The infamous lists. Almost all of us have them and they are always so long. I have daily, weekly and monthly to-do lists. Each list is then broken down into three categories: Must do, should do and would like to do. I write them out and try to get as much done as possible before I collapse from exhaustion. Being a disabled army veteran doesn’t help. I have issues with my back (both lower and my neck), my hips and knees. Being curvy irritates the issues further. So, I do my best to get all the things done but sometimes I just can’t. Which makes a question stand out? Lists are great because they help us organize our thoughts and help us to not forget to get something done. But what happens when the lists are long, and you can’t get it all done? They get rolled over to the next day and make you feel terrible for not getting them all done. Sure, I got 10 things done that I needed too, but the 3 that I didn’t do make me feel like I did nothing. You can accomplish so much and feel like you accomplished nothing because of what you didn’t do. So, the question. Are we really helping or hurting ourselves mentally by using lists? Honestly, I don’t know the answer. I have stayed up many sleepless nights feeling bad because I didn’t get everything accomplished that I thought I should have. Recently I managed to hurt myself. I don’t know if it is my neck disks messing with a nerve, my joints being inflamed or if I injured myself. All I know is for almost 2 weeks now my right arm, from my neck to my elbow, has been completely jacked up. I have been using copious amounts of hot water, so much muscle rub I smell like a breath mint, my heating pad and my prescribed medication. Sounds wonderful right. Yes, I’m being sarcastic. It sucks. Did I mention I’m right-handed? As a mom of 4 children and 1 man-child, I am always busy. I have my family to care for, cook for and try and keep going. I have tons (literally tons of laundry to do), a house to clean, meals to cook, a puppy to take care of, oh and I just moved across the country……. So, I must unpack, go through stuff, get rid of the crap we didn’t need and try and organize. AND my family is messy. So, my list has runnith over. I feel like saying no, no more, I quit, I’m done. However, I know that’s impossible. Sure, I ask for help, nag and even beg for it. But most of you know that it doesn’t work. My pleas fall on deaf ears or I’m promised that it will get done and I end up frustrated and having to do it myself. It makes you feel so alone and unloved. It makes you feel like an unpaid employee of a firm that absolutely hates your guts. So, am I just continuing to bash my mental health with a shovel until it breaks by continuing these never-ending lists? Again, I don’t know. However, I do have a plan. I am going to try something new. I am still going to keep my lists, but I am going to try and not beat myself up over what doesn’t get done. I know it sounds great, but I know its going to be hard as hell to do. So, my plan. I will get done what I can, when I can and not feel like crap for not getting it all done. When I feel negative about myself or my shortcomings, I will try and tell myself that I am a Rockstar and keep going. I am still hoping for the mythical unicorn to show up and magically make my family appreciate that I kill myself constantly for their benefit with very little in return and make them want to help me. Hell, they don’t even have to want too, just have them help because they love me and don’t want me to go totally bonkers. I think that its every mothers dream because come on, what are the odds that its just me????? Until that day that may or may not ever come, I am going to try and do the best I can because that’s who I am. Even unappreciated, I still love my family more than anything. So, if your life looks like mine, I want you to know that you are not alone. There are others who know and live your struggles. Take solace in that.
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